The constant demon

I have struggles with depression since I can remember. I was 25 when I was first “diagnosed”, but remember always having that feeling. The anxiety came a little later, but that is a whole other story. Anyway, I was going through a divorce. I was young, my husband much older. He could afford a lawyer, as I could not. He tried to take my daughter away. Then it started… the deep feeling of sorrow. Everything felt cold, dark. I remember people telling me to snap out of it, get over it. It wasn’t until years later, during a complete mental breakdown, that i realized people who haven’t experianced it have no way of understanding it. Most people thought i was just being a witch with a capital B, or I was seeking attention. I thought they were right. Feeling so deep in the hole was the worst thing I have ever experianced. 10 years later I would experiance worse. My second divorce, he cut me off from his kids, the only mom they had known for 3 years. At that point I felt I wasn’t good enough. I felt everyone, including my children, would be better off if I wasn’t even there. That lasted for 1 year. THAT was the worst thing I had ever experianced. I remember being on so much medication, I couldnt function. I couldnt work, i couldn’t parent. Why I was on 4 different medications I didnt question for years later. I get the need for certain ones, I will forever be in an anti depressant. But anti depressants, anti anxiety, anti psychotics, sleep meds…. lord I was a walking pharmacy. Luckily I have found the proper 1 now, and had a doctor who supported me stopping the others. If you are a walking zombie, something is wrong. We need to be able to function, we need to be able to live a senior normal life like everyone else. I still have episodes… especially of I forget to take my meds. It’s that feeling of dread, blackness, and sadness. A feeling you just cant expain to anyone. But now I realize that I need to live, I have the right to live a normal life, without all of the darkness. Is it a struggle every day? Of course it is, but its possible. I will just continue to believe in the possible. Blog ya later 🤘

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